So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
