I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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