Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
