Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
