I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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