3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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