You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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