we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
