Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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