I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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