It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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