dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
