and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize