Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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