I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
