Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize