I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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