im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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