I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
