Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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