I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
