Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize