and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
