If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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