Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
