come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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