You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
