Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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