dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
