great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
