Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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