I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
