I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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