I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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