New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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