I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I need help removing her.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize