I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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