An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
