my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
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