I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
