Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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