You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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