Duck Duck Cougar?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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