my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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