I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize