New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize