Hey man sorry I got all grabby
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
im holly from the hills drunk
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
