I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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