what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
