here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
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