God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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