the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
