If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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