Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
