Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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