I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
